A girl explained...

This is an attempt to get you to know me. I know you don’t give, but this is my blog and you are my slave so now kneel and read this post aloud…HA HA HA (evil laugh) and then hahaha (my kawa/usual laugh).

Come, let us delve through my awesome personality!

1.     I love skirts and dresses. The feeling of a draft between my legs, AWESOME!! OK, I lie. It is because I know I have an amazing ass (someone random grabbed it in town, but I digress.) and legs and my hips don’t lie. A girl has to show herself some love!

2.     Marry me, Peter Parker, Spartacus, Hugh Grant, James Bond, Li Shang, Sean Kanyi, Michael Scofield. My teenage years and short adult life have been plagued by indecision. I keep vacillating between so many and I really can’t decide who I should say yes to. But today, I make the decision to go with Seth Cohen. 

3.     I love nerds/geeks…not sure where the difference comes in, but there is this side of me that is fatally drawn to bad boys….Ja rule type, Nelly and our very own Bobby Mapesa when he did Naskia utam. With lines like, vile we msawa chali yako yu wapi? Translation: You are really beautiful. Where is your boy friend? And the true meaning of that statement has been lost in the translation!
      Bad boys are smooth talkers. I loooove smooth talkers. And then you get this feeling that he will do very bad things to you and you'll still like it. And his smooth talking sends shivers down your spine, and raises the hair on the back of your neck, takes your breathe away, I know you know what I mean. Idris Elba is not all that, for me at least, but he is so bad you feel like saying (read purring) useless things like, “Hellooo Tiger.” 

4.     My ideal guy should play a musical instrument (preferably a guitar or anything in the family of saxophones). If he cannot do that he should be singing in a band and definitely not Katitu boys band (aren't they too old to be boys after all these years?) or Nguuni Lovers Lovers.  He should also know how to ride a motorcycle. Finally he needs to make me laugh. Interested candidates please apply! And if he can sing like John Legend, there would be no need to apply.

5.     I will not marry a kao dude, so help me God. These are the kind of things you say and fate conspires against you! Anyway, unless he is in # 2 and meets all the qualifications in #4 above, I am willing to close my eyes to the fact that he is kao. Please put down the stones you are planning to throw at me, I am Kao through and through.

6.     Underwear isn’t just underwear. Everything you own should do its job with some semblance of grace and dignity. Underwear is the true garment of your secret sexual self. And nasty knickers completely sabotage your sexual self esteem. I’d like to say that I got that from my head but we all know I’m not that profound. I got it from Kathleen Tessaro’s book called Elegance. So I always, always wear good underwear. Well, the reason is as stated above and also because, I believe that one day a really ambitious gangster will stop people in the middle of town and ask them to undress. I CANNOT be caught with holes in my panties. Also because prince charming might wish to devour me in a well lit room. How will I explain nylon knickers that cost me 30 bob...I do not want to imagine. Finally, in that situation with the ambitious gangster prince charming might be in the crowd and I’d have lost the chance to be resurrected with a kiss after the gangster shoots me for having the worst thurualis. Anyway, girls (and weird boys) if you don’t get the Kathleen Tessaro book I’d like to leave you with this…When you dress, think always that later on you will undress and in front of whom. After all, nothing betrays a woman more than her lingerie; it is definitely more revealing than a thousand hours spent on the psychiatrist’s couch…Do not confuse beautiful lingerie, the kind that supports well and remains fresh, with the cheap, vulgar stuff of men's magazines. Fascinating? I'm certain. But elegant it is NOT. A man likes to think that his wife is attractive and discerning even when he is not looking, and surely, that is the image you want him t have at all times and the one that will excite his deepest admiration.

7.     I visit the Crime scene…to soak in the vibe. Different serial killers exhibit different characteristics. There are those who after committing a murder, go back to the crime scene so that they know how far the police have gone with the investigation or simply because they are psychos. I am not a serial killer but every time I perform a task, say laundry, I go and assess the progress the clothes have made in drying…I smell them, turn them and smile, like a psycho.  With dishes, I go back and touch them so that when they make the squeaky noise and I know they are clean and again I smile and feel content. TGINASK, Thank God I’m not a serial killer; I know I’d be perfect.

8.     My three greatest fears.

-         That one day while in a crowded place or in a meeting with very important people, lice will crawl from the back of my head down my neck. I will die of shame.

-         That the ambitious gangster in #6 above will have his way one day. I shudder.

-         And finally that I might not leave an impact in any place I go, like at work. I think being forgotten portrays a mediocrity in whatever I do.

9.     I am always running late. I think it’s the thrill I get when running and beating deadlines just in time. I wake up early, take a shower for long (the fastest I can do is 20 minutes), change my outfit at least three times and run around the house looking for something I ‘might need’ or just in case I’ll see something that I almost forgot.

10. I am a thief. I smile and snatch. Think Sedusa.

So anyway, I think the above counts as a lazy post. But I’m working on my laziness. Besides, mediocrity leaves room for improvement. I also think that this should be part one since there is much more to being a broken record!