To get to work, I have to walk a ka-stretch from where I alight. Where I work, traffic is usually controlled by the army and not the regular traffic cops(I don't know why.) and today morning it was a chic doing that. It got me thinking about if I'd made it into the army or some place else and not where I currently am. When growing up
there's that question we are always asked...Unataka kuwa nini ukiwa mkubwa? For
me the answer was always daktari. Being the first born, there was a lot of
pressure on me to excel in everything I did...EVERYTHING which explains my
perfectionist tendencies that I’m sometimes not so proud of but I digress. Deep
down I always knew that I didn't want to be a doctor but to avoid any necessary
lectures to return me straight on the path towards saving lives I simply said I
wanted to be one. This is a list of the top ten careers that crossed my mind as I
plotted revenge against my parents complete with an evil laugh as I announced
that my 7 years in campus were spent doing deejaying and animations design.
1. Hair Stylist
I’ll use salonist instead. This is a long story which I think should be explained on its own. The short version is that I hated salons. If you have the kind of hair that grows on my head you would too. Its black, its long and it is hard. Hard here means, if it were cut off and used in the manufacture of something, it would probably be something used to scrub feet. Those salonists manhandled my head; bitches pulled my hair. I even carried my own set of combs (Wooden) after my mother was made to replace an entire set at the salon I use to go to. They used products to soften it that left me smelling like a greenhouse. I wanted to be one so that I'd do my own hair. Why I didn’t become a salonist; I found Mama Sophie who makes house calls and also because I haven't quite mastered the art of telling those stories they tell clients. “Aki Njoro, huyo ni devil worshipper.” Pauses to let the statement have an effect. “Hizo pesa!” Who the f… is Njoro?(or Alice?)
I’ll use salonist instead. This is a long story which I think should be explained on its own. The short version is that I hated salons. If you have the kind of hair that grows on my head you would too. Its black, its long and it is hard. Hard here means, if it were cut off and used in the manufacture of something, it would probably be something used to scrub feet. Those salonists manhandled my head; bitches pulled my hair. I even carried my own set of combs (Wooden) after my mother was made to replace an entire set at the salon I use to go to. They used products to soften it that left me smelling like a greenhouse. I wanted to be one so that I'd do my own hair. Why I didn’t become a salonist; I found Mama Sophie who makes house calls and also because I haven't quite mastered the art of telling those stories they tell clients. “Aki Njoro, huyo ni devil worshipper.” Pauses to let the statement have an effect. “Hizo pesa!” Who the f… is Njoro?(or Alice?)
2. Radio show host / co-host
This was greatly inspired by AJ and Yolanda Mulwa who use to do an evening show on Hot 96 pamoja...they were the best hosts evurr....everything was original no script or faked conversations. And on that note, I'd rather go fry my knee caps than voluntarily listen to Kalekye and Shaffie. So yols and A.J had the best countdown...it was amazing- too bad it just ishad! I guess Tina Nzuki and Edward Kwach still on Hot 96 also had a role to play in my wanting to be a radio show host. This career move seriously backfired on me...I’m not talkative or loud or thaaat interesting. I also think if I ever got this job I’d be fired coz of sending shout outs to my friends and family all the time. But in my after life...this is the career, I promise to play only nice jams!
This was greatly inspired by AJ and Yolanda Mulwa who use to do an evening show on Hot 96 pamoja...they were the best hosts evurr....everything was original no script or faked conversations. And on that note, I'd rather go fry my knee caps than voluntarily listen to Kalekye and Shaffie. So yols and A.J had the best countdown...it was amazing- too bad it just ishad! I guess Tina Nzuki and Edward Kwach still on Hot 96 also had a role to play in my wanting to be a radio show host. This career move seriously backfired on me...I’m not talkative or loud or thaaat interesting. I also think if I ever got this job I’d be fired coz of sending shout outs to my friends and family all the time. But in my after life...this is the career, I promise to play only nice jams!
3. Policewoman
Not the ones who wear blue...no..no...hapaana(In Kibaki voice). The ones in the army. This was just to get my mother worried. Call her and tell her that I'm in Mogadishu, make my friend bang some sufurias and say I have to go then hang up. I'm not always mean. If I were to join the army now it would be because that uniform is super sexay!!! Plus they carry guns and they are chics. I am attracted to powerful women...enough said. Why I didn't become a policewoman...The gods conspired against me( I swear it was my mums doing) and I failed the recruitment. The average time of 8 minutes required to run from point A to B...I took 21 minutes. Exact words of the officer "msichana unafikiria hii ni matayarisho ya harusi? I have never looked back.
Not the ones who wear blue...no..no...hapaana(In Kibaki voice). The ones in the army. This was just to get my mother worried. Call her and tell her that I'm in Mogadishu, make my friend bang some sufurias and say I have to go then hang up. I'm not always mean. If I were to join the army now it would be because that uniform is super sexay!!! Plus they carry guns and they are chics. I am attracted to powerful women...enough said. Why I didn't become a policewoman...The gods conspired against me( I swear it was my mums doing) and I failed the recruitment. The average time of 8 minutes required to run from point A to B...I took 21 minutes. Exact words of the officer "msichana unafikiria hii ni matayarisho ya harusi? I have never looked back.
4. Commercial sex worker
I don't need those dirty looks you are throwing me; or pretending to be shocked. I have an explanation - as usual. A long time ago, in The Daily Nation, they did a story on prostitutes in Majengo; asking them questions like why they'd chosen that line of work and what they did to keep their clios (pronounced clayos, its the short form of clients). Again, there was another talk show that was called In Search of an Answer by one Chris Kubasu on KBC…so he was asking the same questions to the same girls and the answers were similar. Reasons for getting into it were the obvious, I have to fend for my famo (short form for family), oh sijui I came from upcountry to be a house girl and then I was mistreated and decided to run away and that is when I found myself on the streets because I did not have fare to go back to Murang’a; on the streets I met some girls who told me my life would change...you know how it ends. So how they kept the clios coming....they'd said that the clients who came were always complaining that their wives were not clean, they don't use Bint el Sudan and they don't make the matrmonial beds, sijui mara they sleep with their tois and so on. Before I go on, I feel I need to define prostitute. Prostitute: Someone who sleeps with someone else for money. So in my head I thought...how hard can it be to sleep with someone? And get paid. My small bro always came to my bed when he was having nightmares and I’d sleep with him-in case I die like really soon my small bro killed me for disclosing this piece of infor. I was not getting why the media was making such a big fuss about sleeping with someone. I therefore decided this was the job for me...kulala tu? I started taking extra long showers and making my bed neater than kawa and those two habits have stuck like a bad scent. So for my room mates you know where the habits came from. Why I didn't become a Prostitute - Sleeping with someone had acquired a whole new meaning when I got to consider careers ....aki I was stoopid!!!
I don't need those dirty looks you are throwing me; or pretending to be shocked. I have an explanation - as usual. A long time ago, in The Daily Nation, they did a story on prostitutes in Majengo; asking them questions like why they'd chosen that line of work and what they did to keep their clios (pronounced clayos, its the short form of clients). Again, there was another talk show that was called In Search of an Answer by one Chris Kubasu on KBC…so he was asking the same questions to the same girls and the answers were similar. Reasons for getting into it were the obvious, I have to fend for my famo (short form for family), oh sijui I came from upcountry to be a house girl and then I was mistreated and decided to run away and that is when I found myself on the streets because I did not have fare to go back to Murang’a; on the streets I met some girls who told me my life would change...you know how it ends. So how they kept the clios coming....they'd said that the clients who came were always complaining that their wives were not clean, they don't use Bint el Sudan and they don't make the matrmonial beds, sijui mara they sleep with their tois and so on. Before I go on, I feel I need to define prostitute. Prostitute: Someone who sleeps with someone else for money. So in my head I thought...how hard can it be to sleep with someone? And get paid. My small bro always came to my bed when he was having nightmares and I’d sleep with him-in case I die like really soon my small bro killed me for disclosing this piece of infor. I was not getting why the media was making such a big fuss about sleeping with someone. I therefore decided this was the job for me...kulala tu? I started taking extra long showers and making my bed neater than kawa and those two habits have stuck like a bad scent. So for my room mates you know where the habits came from. Why I didn't become a Prostitute - Sleeping with someone had acquired a whole new meaning when I got to consider careers ....aki I was stoopid!!!
5. Nun
I know, I know...the contrast from the above is well, SCREAMING AT YOU!!! A chic I went to high school with called Gladys was a devout Catholic. I don't know how to describe the devotion so I guess I'll go with very very devout. One day I asked her if she wanted to become a nun after high school and without a thought-may be she had thought about it earlier- she said yes…just like that. I was sooo jazzed especially because she could have easily said pilot (she was a chop- but we all were in my high school....her, she was a chop of chops – I understand you can still have a profession and be a nun, sijui). After high school before joining campo I started attending mass in preparation of being a nun. I use to live with my aunt whose house was surrounded by monasteries and I actually made friends. This did not go down well with my parents and I had to attend counseling sessions to determine if I was depressed or stressed. They said I was being rebellious. I decided to go back to our kawa P.C.E.A to avoid any further stupid sessions with the counselor. Why I didn't become a nun...a friend at one of the monasteries I frequented, Kioko, said the day he'd become pope is the day I’d become a nun so I guess I’m still waiting. Plus my hopes of marrying Adam Brody are not quite extinguished - this cannot be accomplished from the confines of a convent. And the counselor. I get a head ache just thinking about those sessions.
I know, I know...the contrast from the above is well, SCREAMING AT YOU!!! A chic I went to high school with called Gladys was a devout Catholic. I don't know how to describe the devotion so I guess I'll go with very very devout. One day I asked her if she wanted to become a nun after high school and without a thought-may be she had thought about it earlier- she said yes…just like that. I was sooo jazzed especially because she could have easily said pilot (she was a chop- but we all were in my high school....her, she was a chop of chops – I understand you can still have a profession and be a nun, sijui). After high school before joining campo I started attending mass in preparation of being a nun. I use to live with my aunt whose house was surrounded by monasteries and I actually made friends. This did not go down well with my parents and I had to attend counseling sessions to determine if I was depressed or stressed. They said I was being rebellious. I decided to go back to our kawa P.C.E.A to avoid any further stupid sessions with the counselor. Why I didn't become a nun...a friend at one of the monasteries I frequented, Kioko, said the day he'd become pope is the day I’d become a nun so I guess I’m still waiting. Plus my hopes of marrying Adam Brody are not quite extinguished - this cannot be accomplished from the confines of a convent. And the counselor. I get a head ache just thinking about those sessions.
6. Nurse
Why I wanted to be a nurse...I read the story of Florence Nightingale when I was really young and that was it...I only new I wanted to be kind to people in no position to return the favor. A smile, a touch on the bed, not hand in case they had measles...haha. Truth be told, I think the main reason is because that white uniform is super super seeexay!!! And because I dream of marrying a doctor and I can be hisnight nurse- yes, its exactly what you are thinking. If you are
humming either Night nurse by Gregory Isaacs or Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye hi
five!!!! Why I didn’t become a nurse. My mum said that being a nurse is a calling and so far she hadn't heard anyone calling me into it she further added that I'd contract Ebola in the
line of duty and I believed her coz if your mum says something like that, it is bound to happen even when you are not sick...trust me you'll even get imaginary symptoms.
This would have been me...sigh.
I know I said top ten but I wasn't that confused growing up. Besides it sounds waaay better to say top ten than top six you can try it..top ten, top ten top ten…top six...see?? Top ten it is.
Why I wanted to be a nurse...I read the story of Florence Nightingale when I was really young and that was it...I only new I wanted to be kind to people in no position to return the favor. A smile, a touch on the bed, not hand in case they had measles...haha. Truth be told, I think the main reason is because that white uniform is super super seeexay!!! And because I dream of marrying a doctor and I can be his
This would have been me...sigh.I know I said top ten but I wasn't that confused growing up. Besides it sounds waaay better to say top ten than top six you can try it..top ten, top ten top ten…top six...see?? Top ten it is.
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